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Don't do the Math...

I have never given much thought to my own age (except when I turned 21, I could not wait for that one!). Age was just a number and I wasn't sure what 30's,40's and 50's were supposed to feel like anyway. I have been so fortunate in my life to have good health and stamina so I just never cared when I grew older as each year passed. My life was busy, full of ups and downs as everyone else's life generally is. I was always moving, busy, busy, busy. I couldn't imagine ever slowing down because I always had a lot of energy. When I hit my 60's, all bets were off. I noticed I was slowing down and that really threw me off balance. I just did not feel like myself and that was unsettling. When the pandemic hit couple of years later it was even worse because I was no longer busy and had to adjust to a new and slower, normal. I began thinking about things from my past that I had been able to avoid in my busy schedule. I was always much more comfortable doing than being but I knew deep down I had things from my past that needed to be looked at and processed. This was the time to do that. Although it was difficult, I am glad I had the time to be with myself and look at my life. I now had the filter and wisdom of age to dive deep and that helped me get to know myself in a way I never have before. I also started to think about my age and realized I had fewer year ahead of me than behind me. I could no longer think of myself as middle aged! I had outlived grandparents, parents and siblings who passed younger than I am now. So, what did I want the rest of my life to look like? I wasn't trying to be morbid but introspective. I was nostalgic and sometimes sad remembering memories of the time and people that had passed in my 60+ years. I felt such gratitude for where I was in my life but where do I go from here? What do I want to accomplish and what do I want to experience? It was as if I had one foot in the past and the other in the future. I decided I wanted to look forward more and backwards less but more importantly, live in the present. One day I opened Facebook to a video clip of Tom Pappa. Tom is a very funny comedian and if I see him come up on social media I always stop to watch him. This happened to be an interview of him and he was being asked questions about the place he was in his life. She asked him how he looks at his life now that he is older. She actually asked if he ever thought about the fact he had more years behind than in front of him. He said yes. She asked how he deals with it. He said something that made me laugh and it has stuck with me. He answered her with "I don't do the math". Brilliant answer. So I am going to take his advice. I am not going to do the math - I was never good at it anyway.

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